Crowson: Turkey Talk
Had an interesting conversation with a turkey the other day. We were in line together at the grocery.
“How come you don’t have one of my relatives in your shopping cart?” he asked. “Want me to jump in there?”
“We’re vegetarians at my house,” I replied, just a tad proudly.
“Well, good for you, I guess,” he yawned back at me. I was a little surprised to hear the unenthusiastic, non-congratulatory tone in his voice.
“You don’t sound too happy about the fact that I don’t want to consume you,” I said.
He rolled his eyes and flipped his bright red snood over onto the other side of his beak. “Who really cares anymore? Do with us what you will.”
“Look,” I intoned. “Yesterday the President pardoned two turkeys. Doesn’t that make you feel a little better?”
“Don’t make me laugh. By pardoning two of my brethren he just put us on a list that includes war criminals. A pardon from that guy is a badge of dishonor. I’m surprised the Secretary of Poultry didn’t resign over the whole blasted business.”
“Blasted business?” I said, trying to cheer him up. “Don’t you mean basted business?”
“Har-de-har-har,” he mocked. “What’s your next line? Going to give this old turkey a dressing down? Wanna involve the Secretary of the Gravy???”
“Well, happy Thanksgiving anyway,” I sighed, even as he was climbing into another customer’s cart. I could have gotten pretty down myself, but turned instead toward gratitude. I have some things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Tofurkey, for instance.