The sudden death of a loved one can send one reeling with uncertainty and overwhelming grief. It’s what happened to Stephanie Stovall two years ago when her husband Carl died from a pulmonary embolism after 31 years of marriage. Stovall recently published a book called "Grief S.U.C.K.S."
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s start with the title of the book "Grief S.U.C.K.S." You created an acronym with the word "sucks." What does it stand for?
S-Surviving
U-Uncertainties of Tomorrow
C-Conquering Challenges of Today
K-Keeping Strong through Adversity
S-Seeking Faith in this New Season
What inspired you to write the book "Grief S.U.C.K.S."?
My journey and my season changed very suddenly. ...As I am also over [at] the grief ministry at my church ... I began to see grief totally differently. I realized that I missed it. I realized that I thought that we were truly meeting the needs of those we were serving, and I begin to understand that it's much deeper than what we originally thought.
I wrote this book to try to reach families who have lost someone in their lives, to give them some spiritual guidance and guidance of what to do when this happens. Chapter two talks about Social Security. You know, handling your cars. How do you handle your trust? All the different things that go along with the immediate activity that happens after someone passes.
The artwork that you have included in the book, the first image that really stood out to me was your late husband's shoes untied by the bed in the first chapter, surviving. If you don't mind, can you just read a bit of this?
“Rushing into the house, not bothering to turn the on the lights, I flung open the door to the bedroom and stumbled forward over a pair of Carl's shoes as I fell to the floor, unable to catch myself, tears rolled down my face while my stomach turned. A blood curdling scream rose from my belly. Carl was never coming home, at least not here on this earth. He had a new home in heaven."
So, the shoes, the reminder of what just happened to you…tell us a little bit about Carl.
Carl was a musician, a friend [and] a father. He could fix anything. He did lots of research on all kinds of things. He loved the online auctions. He would purchase things all of the time.
Can you share a bit about the structure of the book? I noticed that it is a quick read. Is it more of a guide or something else?
It is a combination of a bio and a guide. There are inspirational scriptures to help you to think about an abundant life and know that it's not the end for you, that you still have something to do in life that is meaningful and purposeful. It also is a guide to assist you in the many different activities that must happen quickly after someone passes away.
One of the things you mentioned is conquering the challenges of the day. Will I have enough money to make ends meet? Do I still pay for the bills for my late spouse if my name is not on the account? What about credit cards and other debts? How do I find my options? Will I have to sell the house? Is that what you were looking at?
Yes, absolutely. And it happened very quickly, starting with the bank accounts, which was like the day after he passed away, handling those things and preparing, you know, even for the funeral, dealing with Social Security.
You mentioned in the book you had an encounter with a therapist not long after Carl passed away.
I was actually going to a conference that I had signed up for a long time ago. I knew the facilitator. She was completely unaware that my husband Carl had passed away. She approached me and she said, "Stephanie, I had no idea ... and you're here." And I just kind of laughed. I said, "I have to keep going ... I may need your services," and began to laugh. She said, "I'll tell you what. For now, you just need to sit in it." I said, "Sit in it?" I thought to myself, "Okay, she's giving me permission to scream and cry or do whatever I need to do to deal with it." And she said, "When you sit in it, I want you to call me in a couple of months and we'll talk about where you are at that point."
Death has a way of overwhelming you. I remember many, many days not being able to even move. I would wake up and I would see the sunrise, and I would continue to lay there until the sun went down. But for me, what really pushed me to realize that I had to choose to continue to live was when I began to get leg cramps ... because I hadn't drunk enough water.
What made you decide, I've got to get up, I've got to start to move forward.
Well, those leg cramps really did it for me. That's when I realized, you know what? Grieving can take a toll on your health, on your physical self, not only just emotional, but physically too. You know? I lost a lot of weight. There are some people that gain a lot of weight, but for me, I lost a lot of weight. And I realized that I had to choose to be healthy. I changed my diet since then, I eat a lot of healthy foods; I exercise. I try to go to the gym at least three times a week and do things that will keep me moving; keep my body in shape.
You even include a couple of recipes in the book.
That's right. Cooking for one has been difficult, and I thought, "You know, somebody needs help with this. If I'm struggling, they have to be struggling too." We made big meals. He was a meat eater. Oh, my goodness, fried chicken, fried catfish. He loved to eat. And so, cooking for one, you know, I'm not thrilled about cooking a lot of the fried things anymore, or things that take some time. Give it to me in five minutes, 20 at the max. And so, I've included a couple of recipes that I use to just inspire you on how to cook for one.
What do you believe is the most misunderstood aspect of grieving, and how does the book address it?
I believe one of the most misunderstood aspects of death is that there's a timeline on grief. There is no expiration date for grief. It may change how it looks from year to year, day to day, week to week, moment to moment, but I also know that there is no expiration on God's love. And so, as I begin to understand this truly from my experience — and my time I was spending with the Lord in my quiet moments — I begin to see abundant life, and that's what I was experiencing. I could not keep it to myself because I knew that there were many others in the ministry ... that were struggling. But what I didn't understand is that when the dinner is over, the families are gone, that next week, that next month, six months down the road, maybe even a year, maybe two years — you're still grieving, and there's no one there to be with you or to check on you, or to understand that you're still home, listening to the refrigerator.
And there are triggers as well.
Absolutely there are triggers. You can be driving down the street, hear a song and [it'll] just set you off, or driving past the cemetery ... anything can set you off, and you just never know when. I remember being at Hobby Lobby one day and the tears were just flowing, and I knew I had to sit in it, so it didn't matter where I was. I let it flow. I just let the tears flow. Wherever I was, whatever was happening. I didn't scream out at Hobby Lobby, but the tears were flowing. And a lady walks over to me, and she hugs me, and she says, "I have been praying for you." I had no idea who she was, but I asked her, and she told me, and I thought, "Wow, I didn't know her personally, but she knew who I was," and she just stayed with me and hugged me and just took care of me in that moment. I call her my angel in the book.
One of the things you said in the book is the stages of grief don't arrive in any order. What do you mean?
There are a lot of books out there that talk about the stages of grief, but I want you to know that they don't happen in order. You could go through every stage in a day. One moment you're feeling like, "Oh, I feel the power, I'm good," and then in the very next moment, you're back in depression. You're back just not being able to move forward. So don't expect too much but do understand that it's a part of the process. You're not going crazy. Brain fog is real. When you can't remember anything, it's okay. It's a part of the process, and that's what I need you to understand. ...I still find myself sometimes with that foggy brain, and we talk about that in the book.
One of the things you also mentioned in the book is that you were wearing Carl’s t-shirts sprayed with cologne to bed. You found that to be comforting.
So right at the beginning, I kept a lot of his t-shirts and his cologne, and it just comforted me. I don't have them anymore, but I needed it then. And for everybody, it's different. You know, some people that I've talked to, they still have their spouse's or their loved one's clothing still there. For me, I needed not to see it, and so a few days after the funeral, a cousin of mine helped me box it up and I took ... [all the] clothes and shoes to donate. I knew that they would go to someone who was in need because I know that's what he would want.
You also mentioned family and friends didn't know how you felt. They didn't know the emotional roller coaster in my mind.
Yes, so you would see many people out in the community, or even family and friends, and they will be going on about their day, or whatever it was that was happening in their life, not realizing that in your mind you were somewhere else, grieving in your mind. And it's difficult sometimes to even function because they've moved on. And you recognize that they have moved on. The funeral is over, so they've moved on with life, which they should, but they don't realize that you're not there yet, and it's okay to let them know you're not there yet.
Stephanie, talk about how you dealt with loneliness.
Loneliness was ... I describe it as "silence being deafening." I mean that the sound of silence brings a whole other level of sorrow. With Carl being a musician, I was accustomed to hearing music all the time, whether it was a band in our basement or him preparing for some event, or we are working together on a hymn or something. I was playing for Sunday school, whatever it was. And so, at this time, it was nothing but the hum of the refrigerator, not a voice, not a tune, not one note. And so, I had to decide, if you want to continue to hear music in your life, you're going to have to play it yourself. So, I begin to learn to play guitar. February was a turning point for me. I started guitar in February as well.
So, you, you know, at some point you said, "I've got to get up." You started the guitar lessons. What other things did you do?
Writing books. I opened Leslie Lighthouse Publishing. I began to delve into things that I enjoy. And what pushed me to that ... [was] a cousin that said to me, "...Stephanie, what brings you joy?" That brought me to tears because I couldn't think of anything. And then I realized that I had to trust God for this new season.
Do you think that grief can ever fully heal, or is it something that we live through over time?
I believe that grief begins to look different. I don't know that you'll ever get over it, but it will begin to look different. I know for me, I am about a year and a half in. First of all, it depends on the person and how fast or not they choose to have that abundant life. But for me, as I think about Carl now, I am able to talk about it and try to inspire others to know that there is an abundant life if you choose it. And I want you to know that you still have some things to do. You still have purpose, and although your loved one is not there with you, I know for me, when I listen to him play on videos and things like that, I get up and party with him. I was famous for dancing in the kitchen. You know, I could hear the bands downstairs playing, so I still do the same thing, and it brings a smile to my face.
So, Stephanie, what's next?
I will be creating a workbook. I had a pastor approach me and asked if I would be willing to do a class or workshop. And I laughed, and I said, "I'm working on the workbook right now, so I'm going to speed up my process and get it done."
Stephanie Stovall is a retired educator, minister and author of "Grief S.U.C.K.S."
Carla Eckels will speak with Stovall during a book launch on Saturday, March 22 at Wichita’s St. Paul AME Church.
