Crowson: In Search Of Waterfront Property

Mar 6, 2019

So I stopped in at the Dollar Tree yesterday. Tempted as I was by the one-dollar bamboo back scratchers and the one-dollar iridescent purple pineapple trays, I had something else on my mind.

I finally got the attention of the clerk who was diligently arranging an attractive display of one-dollar 30-inch plastic shoe horns. “Excuse me, but could you direct me to the acerage?” I inquired.

She looked puzzled, replaced an errant shoe horn and said, “I beg your pardon?”

“Acerage,” I repeated. “I’m looking for your acres.”

“Um, I don’t understand. Did you say, 'acres'?”

“Yes, ma'am. The one-dollar acres. You know, like the acres that were sold to the Baby Cakes?”

This really seemed to baffle her. “Baby Cakes? Um, I think we have some Little Debbies over by register one…?”

“Ok,” I said, sadly. “You must have sold out of the one-dollar acres. Thanks, anyway.” And I made my way back out to my car.

I sat there contemplating my next move. You see, I had gotten my property tax appraisal the day before. My little plot of land and the humble house on it had risen in its appraised value by thousands of dollars. I plan to appeal it on the grounds that if waterfront property in Wichita goes for a buck an acre, then my fraction of a landlocked acre should be around 35 or 40 cents. I was going to buy one of those one-dollar acres just to underscore my point to the appraiser.

Suddenly I had an idea and I darted back into the Dollar Tree. I bought one of their one-dollar bamboo back scratchers. I’m taking it to the next City Council meeting. I figure as soon as I scratch enough backs they’ll give me the same sweet deal they gave the Babycake developers. Presto! My property valuation gets instantly lowered!

With the money I save I can go back to Dollar Tree and buy those Little Debbies! It’ll be almost like having my Baby Cakes and eating them too!