It's beginning to look a lot like Thanksgiving as families prepare for the holidays. Alexandria Ware is stocking her cabinets as she gets ready to cook soul food recipes for her family. Ware, who grew up in the foster care system, remembers eating at dozens of unfamiliar dinner tables, some of which were very memorable.
Ware recalls a notable Thanksgiving while visiting her biological family.
"I remember I went in and one of my aunts was making chitlins, and I was like, 'Why does this house stink? Does it always stink like this? Like, what is this smell?' And they all laughed at me, and I was like, 'Why are you laughing?' I just don't understand why it smells like this."
The smell Ware was experiencing was chitlins, or boiled/stewed pig intestines — a soul food staple.
"For me, it was a … a culture shock, and I think that's why it was the most memorable one. Because I was like, 'What is this like? ...Why does this smell?'"
When asked if she had tried the chitlins, Ware said she did and that she liked them a lot.
"I don't think people understand that when kids grow up in [foster] care and they're placed in families, whether they're white, brown, Black ... and they're not of that culture ... they lose so much of their identity. So, it was nice to get a picture or a piece of my identity back."
Ware grew up in foster care from the age of 3 to 18.
"I've lived all over the state of Kansas, from Hays ... to Kensington to Hoisington to Wellington to Hutchison. The only part I never actually lived in was Kansas City, but I've lived everywhere else."
Ware said she's had a total of 55 placements as she was growing up.
"So that's foster home, group homes, the Children's Home, being in kinship care — all those things."
As she was bounced around, Ware says she would "disappear" into a new environment.
"I just managed to be there, but not actually, like...be there, right? I don't know if that's making sense..."
Ware describes moving around as similar to having an out-of-body experience.
"There's some foster homes [where] I remember the experiences like really well, and there's some foster homes, I'm like, 'I don't even remember living here. I don't remember this town, any of those things.' But I think one of the things that helped me a lot was I had the same worker from the time I entered care to the time I exited care, and that's very unheard of in the child welfare community."
That case worker and a judge helped Ware find her biological family. She was anxious to learn about her culture and roots.
"I knew I was Black, but ... are we from the south? Are we from the Midwest? Are we from the East coast? ...How did we get here?"
Ware also says the holidays offer one more reason to advocate for the well-being of foster care children.
"Honestly, it's when I look back at all the different schools I went to — the different towns — it's a miracle that I get to do the work that I do and working with kids aging out of care, advocating and helping write policy and running a non-profit that's focused on young people in care. How do we make sure our young people are heard? How do we make sure our young people are connected to their culture? How do we make their well-being is ok?"
The holidays can be a hard time for children in foster care. Ware says it is important to be mindful of that and to recognize that the kids might be working through some complicated feelings.
"It is tough for kids in foster care because it's this constant reminder about family, and you're grieving the family that you know you have that's alive, but you have no idea where they're at. The term used [for that] is 'ambiguous loss.'
"A lot of times it's not intentional for them, right? Like they're going somewhere and maybe they feel welcome, or maybe they don't. But how do we make sure that kids are connected to the things that are important to them."
Ware says it is important to create a welcoming environment for foster kids around the holidays.
"If you have family members ... who are very welcoming, it's [a] very, very different experience for a young person ... to walk in and feel not welcomed. ...Kids in care can tell when [other family members] don't want you to do foster care and they're not welcomed by people's behavior. ...[They] can read body language ... really well.
"I would say the biggest thing that anyone can do, whether you have foster kids or not, is be welcoming, treat them with kindness [and] give them grace. If you see that somebody's doing foster care ... and they're coming to your house for Thanksgiving, at least try and have a conversation with [them]. It's the littlest things that matter the most. I know there [was] a kid that we did kinship care for, and she wanted banana pudding. When she came over ... she was like, 'Oh, I used to eat this all the time, and it's so good.' And I was really excited, I've never made banana pudding. This was my first time, and she said it was good. It's some of those little things that sometimes we don't understand, have the biggest impact."
Kansas is the first state in the U.S. to let foster teens pick a family without losing foster care benefits. It's also known as the Support, Opportunity, Unity, and Legal (SOUL) family permanency option. Ware says this is huge for families.
"It puts that young person in control of who they want to live with, who ... they see as their family. Because a lot of times you're told, 'Hey, we have this family that's interested in adopting you, and you can go live with them and all that.
"It's the opposite in my case, where my [SOUL] parents, which I'm very blessed to have them — and I think sometimes people judge ... my parents for their decision — but they decided not to adopt me so I could have my benefits [that I was eligible for]. They're still ... in my life. I went to Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break, Valentine's Day, birthdays — all that with my parents, but for them, they knew I wanted to go to college. They wanted to make sure that the educational goals I had set for myself I was able to obtain."
In Kansas, approximately 60% of foster children age out. With the passing of legislation, Ware says she's excited to see kids in the system have a voice.
"In September, we actually had our first SOUL family signed in. ...It was an idea that we turned into [a] concept, then to [a] bill and now it's a law. ...But it's beautiful to see that we have someone who's like, 'No, these are the people that I want to be a part of my life.'
"It allows the young person to have a voice in their case plan and that's the most exciting part about it."
This Thanksgiving season, Ware says she has a lot to be thankful for.
"I think the thing I'm most thankful for is the life God has given me to live. The path he has created for me, even though it started out very, very rocky, I'm thankful that he used that to be able for me to impact and showcase and work with phenomenal people in the community — for kids in care."
